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The Grinch Is Greener Than Santa!

Posted by: Annika Darling @ Dec. 22, 2014, 2:48 p.m.

At one time Santa Claus was a revered figurehead for a once-popular "Christmas" holiday. His kindheartedness and generous nature endeared him to children of all ages. His ability to fit his large frame down small chimneys baffled physicists. But today, his gimmick brings us pause, especially in our concern for the environment, and our duty as a socially responsible club compels us to ask, despite tradition and despite Old St. Nick's perceivable benevolence, if the old ways are indeed the best ways?

Let's start with the coal.

Coal causes pollution (smog, soot, global warming, toxic air emissions), and Santa flies around leaving this stuff everywhere! That's enough to make our cheeks rosy as well -- and not in a jolly "Ho, Ho, Ho" way, but in the fuming environmentalist way. And why are his cheeks always rosy anyhow? Has he been drinking, and does he have an ALDH2 deficiency? Is Santa just this drunk guy, flying around with reckless abandon for the environment?

We realize these questions, if all truthfully answered, could tarnish Kris Kringle's budding reputation. But it can no longer be avoided....because when you sit down and really contemplate the situation, you apprehend that the whole thing is a problem of unknown proportions that must be regulated no matter the man's affiliation with incredibly adorable diminutive creatures and mystical, magical caribou.

Seriously, those lumps of coal add up!

According to Childstats.gov there are an estimated 74.5 million children ages 0-17 in the US as of 2015 -- and estimations show this number increasing steadily over the years. To make matters worse, as we all know, kids these days are just a bunch of technology crazed jackanapes who are probably just racking in that coal every Christmas, and thanks to the internet are horrifically creative and alarmingly intelligent, so it is certain they would readily download an app to help them build a miniature train set to burn the coal in order to power their laptops, and iPads, and iPhones, and iPods -- or whatever wacky device was mandated by the social pressures of our society. So, you see, if left unregulated Santa's coal distribution will rapidly increase, and consequently have a devastating effect on the environment.

Do we even ask where "Saint" Nicholas gets his coal? Does he have a private mining operation? Are his mines up to code?

In conclusion, we believe it's time for Santa Claus to get on board with the green movement. This isn't the 1980s any more, people don't burn coal at home any more (at least not as much), so not only is it becoming inconvenient to put coal in stockings but we are well aware of the effect it has on the environment.

So, here is our letter this year to Father Christmas (and we encourage you to do the same):

Dear Santa: Please stop using coal in your trip around the world. We suggest, instead, you consider using pine cones -- not only are they lighter, but greener!


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